Every relationship has flags. While some are red, there may also be green ones and even yellow flags signaling a warning, ones that require us to slow down, pause, pay attention, or even STOP when they eventually turn red. The truth is, no human being is perfect, so imperfections alone are not red flags. However, certain patterns, attitudes, and behaviors are warning signs that should never be ignored, especially by singles who are intentionally preparing for their marital journey.

Marriage doesn’t magically fix problems as some assume. If anything, it magnifies them. That’s why discernment and critical discussions during the courtship phase are not optional — they are essential. This blog post highlights critical red flags singles must take seriously and what should be done when they appear.

Some Red Flags to Address Before Marriage

1.⁠ ⁠Excessive Attachment and Reliance on Parents

Everyone intending to enter into a marital relationship must be able to distinguish between parental love and influence and that of their partner. There must be a clear and defined boundary regarding the role parents and external parties have in personal life and relationship decisions.

If an individual, male or female, is highly reliant on their parents, unable to make independent decisions, or struggles to maintain balance between parent and partner, then there is a problem. In some cases, parents may be the ones pushing for attention and testing boundaries, often due to reasons known to them such as past issues or previous loss. In such situations, an individual preparing for marriage must be able to say a firm no when necessary, create a balanced plan, or seek professional help if needed.

Genesis 2:24 (NIV) puts it in perspective:

“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”

2.⁠ ⁠Disrespect in Any Form

Disrespect doesn’t always show up as shouting or insults. Sometimes it appears subtly, belittling your opinions, making jokes at your expense, dismissing your feelings, or talking down to you in front of others.

If someone cannot honor you while dating, they will not suddenly learn respect after marriage. Love without respect eventually becomes painful. Disrespect is not something to pray away, it is something to address immediately.

1 Peter 3:7 (NIV) says:

“Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”

Just as this scripture emphasizes respect from the man, the Bible is also full of passages that speak about honor and obedience from the woman.

What to do:

Call it out early. Set boundaries. If it continues despite conversations and correction, take it seriously. Repeated disrespect is a clear warning sign.

3.⁠ ⁠Poor Communication and Emotional Unavailability

Avoiding difficult conversations, shutting down emotionally, or constantly deflecting accountability is waving a red flag. Marriage requires communication, vulnerability, and emotional maturity.

If you are always guessing how your partner feels or walking on eggshells to avoid conflict, that imbalance will only deepen in marriage.

While preparing for marriage, it is important, very, very important, to talk and talk repeatedly, discuss issues, make balanced decisions, confront unwanted situations, and not neglect important conversations with the hope of settling them after marriage. That can be very costly.

What to do:

Observe patterns, not promises. Seek healthy conversations to know everything there is to know. If healthy communication is consistently missing, don’t assume marriage will fix it. Emotional maturity must already be present.

4.⁠ ⁠Control, Possessiveness, or Isolation

Control can show up disguised as “care” or “protection.” Wanting to monitor your movements, discouraging relationships with friends or family, or making you feel guilty for having a life outside the relationship, these are serious red flags, not love.

Love does not isolate. Love does not control. Love does not manipulate. Instead, love encourages healthy bonds, relationships, and growth beyond the two parties. God did not create marriage to function in isolation but instructed us to multiply, grow, and fill the earth. When the people at the Tower of Babel decided to remain in one place, God confused their language because His plan was to spread His influence through us.

However, this does not give liberty in a serious relationship or marriage to act without consideration and hurt the other partner. There must be agreement on bonds and relationships formed outside the relationship.

What to do:

Take a step back when you notice control. Involve trusted mentors or family members. Isolation is often the first step toward deeper emotional or even physical harm.

5.⁠ ⁠Inconsistency Between Words and Actions

Consistency builds trust. When someone constantly says the right things but does the opposite — especially over time, it’s a red flag. Apologies without change, promises without follow-through, and repeated excuses should not be ignored.

If this becomes a consistent habit, there may be a desire to simply win the other party over or even a double life being lived. People do not change based on empty promises. Actions and words must correlate and remain consistent.

Marriage is built on trust, and trust is built on consistent behavior. This should not be ignored because you could be marrying a stranger pretending to be a friend. That is why absolute knowledge of who your spouse is becomes necessary and very important.

What to do:

Stop explaining away patterns. Seek to understand your partner’s background and family dynamics to identify patterns. Love should feel secure, not confusing. If actions and words never align, believe the actions.

6.⁠ ⁠Anger Issues and Lack of Self-Control

Everyone gets angry. In fact, Ephesians 4:26–27 (ESV) says:

“Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.”

So how someone handles anger matters greatly. Explosive reactions, intimidation, threats, or blaming others for emotional outbursts are serious warning signs.

A lack of self-control in dating becomes an even bigger problem in marriage, where stress and responsibility increase. This can eventually lead to emotional or physical abuse if care is not taken.

What to do:

Do not normalize aggressive behavior. Encourage professional help if needed — but don’t feel obligated to stay to “fix” someone. That is not your job if the person has not shown consistent change over time. Yes, give it to God. Pray over him or her. But do not resolve to fix them in marriage.

A broken courtship is better than a broken marriage.

What Singles Intending to Get Married Must Do Immediately When Red Flags Appear

1. Don’t ignore your intuition. That inner nudge matters. This could also be the Holy Spirit instructing you.

2. Don’t rush the process. Time reveals what emotions hide. “Knowing” is a very crucial part of a relationship.

3. Seek godly counsel. Trusted elders and voices in the faith often see what we overlook. Proverbs 11:14 (ESV) says:

“Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.”

4. Be willing to walk away. Ending a relationship can be painful. There might be people who constantly blame you because they do not see what you see, but entering a harmful marriage is far more costly. The Bible even says that God hates divorce.

Final Thoughts

Red flags are not meant to instill fear; they are meant to bring clarity. Recognizing them is not being judgmental — it is being wise.

Ecclesiastes 10:10 (ASV) notes:

“If the iron be blunt, and one do not whet the edge, then must he put to more strength: but wisdom is profitable to direct.”

Choosing well before marriage is an act of self-respect, stewardship, faith, and trust in God.

Marriage is a lifelong commitment. It deserves discernment, courage, and honesty from the very beginning.

If you’re single and preparing for marriage, remember this: God, peace, safety, respect, and alignment are not bonuses in a relationship — they are requirements.

Get more Inspiration in your Inbox